Sweeney Potter : Demon Barber of Nottingham Street
by Mayma Bane
Summary: It's funnier.   It's Randomer and it's free!


Sweeney Potter: Demon Wizard of Nottingham Street

Chapter 1

A Normal Day in Voldyfs Life

Ifm adding the sheriff of Nottingham in like chapter 3

NG: Hey Voldy! Your so fine your so fine you blow my mind, hey voldy, hey hey voldy, ( jumping up and down.

V: Do I know you dah-link ( smoking Marilyn Monroe type cigarette)

NG: I don't know, do you?( fan girl squeal that sound like feed back)

( death eaters shriek from the hideous sound ducking under the table like puppies)

V: Please babe don't do that.

SS: ( takes ear plugs out.) what?

V: You keep in ear plugs?

SS: I have to. Occupation calls for it.

V: OK, What did you want to tell me again ( reads name tag slowly) New Guy?

NG: I have a plan, and it will definitely help us catch Harry Potter.

V: Really and what is this plan?

NG: Here's Harry Potter, standing up, practicing his magic, whoop-de-doo...then we capture him, on our yacht. Then we slice him up, like salami.

V: We have a yacht? And slice him up! Wizards are not violent psychopaths.

LM: Er... we had a yacht since we had your surprise "we failed once again at catching Harry Potter, but we can still have a break because I don't wonft to be all stressed out about something that just can't be fixed unless I finally have the guts to fix it, but Ifm such a wimp, Ifll invite my death eaters to come pity me as I cry my eyes out about my failuresh party, Remember Bella's bringing the bon-bons. We are not RAGING psychopaths maybe like disturbed next door neighbors.

V: Ah, makes since, but disturbed next door neighbor, come on Bella at least has to be an escaped loony, I think I'm a creepy doctor.

LM: Maybe your a bit more than a creepy doctor. Kinda of egomaniac with a side of Stockholm disease riddled with a pinch of Schizophrenia and a delicious taste of your everyday nutty.

F: Lovely point. I caught him sniffing his fingers yesterday.

V: They had barbeque sauce on them! And Schizophrenia? I am most certainly not! ( scratches at hallucinated bug.) Eww get off.

LM: Umm... denial is not just a river in Peru.

SS: Egypt. You may look girly but you sure are dumb. (Bellatrix is about to drink something.) Donft drink that, Voldemort was trying to poison you.

V: Damn Severus! You talk to much!

Ng: Like my wife poisoned herselfc

(Everyone looks at the new person)

V: What did you say?

NG: like- as in similar- my- mine- wife- companion to husband- poisoned- drank arsenic- herself.

V: Right. SocI want pizza. New person, youfre in charge of pizza.

SS: Can we have stuffed crust?

All in Unison: Mmm...Stuffed crust.

V: Sure, we can stuff as many crust as our runny butts can take.

D: What? How does that make sense?

V: Diarrhea makes sense.

SS: Ifm thirsty. Like my throat is completely dry.

V: So...

SS: Get me something to drink!

V: Fine! Wormy get Severus here some-

SS: Vanilla Coca Cola.

LM: Butter beer.

V: Who asked you himbo?

LM: Nobody sweetums but I figured since we-

V: Lucy. Just shut up!

NG: Blood, guts, and intestines!

(Everyone glares at NG)

F: Rock on new guy!

V: Well we can order diet blood.

LM: does diet blood have salt?

SS: I donft like salty shit.

LM: Then stop sucking off Potter.

Death Eaters; Oooo.

SS: Lucius go fuck your boyfriend.

Death E: Oooo.

( Voldemort is noticing that Sweeney is stabbing a judge Turpin voodoo doll. )

LM: He loves mec even if he did call me stupid. Donft you love me Voldemort?

V: Umc N-yes. But I think Severus has prettier eyes.

LM: But you said my eyes were-

V: Ifve noticed that the new guy is strange, violent, and emo.

P: (Jumping up and down) Ooo, Ooo! I know! I know!

V: Sit down! Just use your buzzer

(Pious hits violently on his buzzer yet no sound.)

P: Itfs broken!

( Fenrir buzzes his)

Fenrir: Who isc Sweeney Todd?

V: Congratulations! You just won Jeopardy!

(confetti explodes from Piousf buzzer)

V: Thatfs probably why it wasnft working.

P: You think?

W: No, no celebration! I saw the movie! Hefs going to kill me!

SS: Sweeneyc

ST: Yes, Hans Gruberc

V: You can hate from afar, but you canft kill snape's mini-me.

ST: Okayc

SS: Mini- me can you get him a pumpkin juice?

W: Yes, milord.

ST: He helped kill my wife! (Pointing at Wormtail)

W: He said hate from afar!

ST: Lucky.

SS: See itfs that easy, Mr. Todd. I'll even buy you a killer's guide to redemption.

ST: (grumbles) stupid guide.

V: Sweeneycas a consolation to the deaths of your foes, will you like playing golf with flamingos and porcupines? Then after wards you can screw one of my prostitutes.

ST: are we drinking pineapple juice from turtle shells?

V: We are in fact.

ST: Lovely.

A Normal Day in Voldyfs Life Part 2

(The Death Eaters are playing golf with flamingos and porcupines)

V: Hmm...Snape. Choose a putt for me.

SS: I recommend a pink African flamingo, they hit well, as well as the smallest porcupine for the best shot.

V: Fine, Wormtail handle the porcupine.

W: But it will-

V: excusez-moi?

W: I don't speak French...

ST: Yes you do you wife killing, lady chasing little piece of s-

V: Dudecchill. Put away your little knife and go get me some soda.

ST: Okay. (stomps away)

V: Wormtail you disgust me.

W: Thank you milord.

SS: I thought I was his milord. The Dark lord is my lord, you idiot.

V: Severusc really?

SS: Yeah! Until we settle out who is whofs milord and my lord, Ifm Duke of The Oogie Boogie Potions and Whores!

F: But thatfs my nickname.

SS: For now youfll be the Earl of Funkadelic Disco.

F: I like that. ( starts to do the hump)

V: What about me? Do I get an 70fs related nickname.

LM: You can be the high priest of party town. Ifm the Bishop of all things feminine and sexy.

P: I claim the Judge Hot pants.

(Voldemort is snickering.)

V: You donft look hot in hot pants.

SS: I do ( pulls off robes and shakes hot pants clad ass vigorously.

B: Whatfs that smell? Out of Snape's ass?

SS: Don't be a hater bitch!

(Everyone sniffs)

V: Smells like fat kids, red heads, short guys- not you Mundungus , and cPotter?

(Harry bursts in with a humongous explosion behind him.)

H: Ifm here to kill you Tom.

V :( whispering) Quick everyone act like itfs your first time seeing him.

(Everyone acts like they just saw him)

V: Hi, Ifm Lord Voldemort. Have I threatened your life before?

H: What? Of course you have, ever since I was one.

SS: HeycI think I know you from that taco place incTacoma?

H: Um...Ifm Harry Potter? You all want me impaled on a spearcwell, not you snape because-

SS: Shut up. They donft need to know.

V: Hmm...Doesnft ring a bell? Ring a bell to any of you?

(Death eaters shake their heads)

H: Ifll be leaving thenc

V: WaitcI have something to tell you, Hair-eee Pot-err.

H: Yes, Lord Voldemort?

V: Avada Kedavra!

A Normal Day in Voldyfs Life Part 3

(Bellatrix is talking to Voldy in his office.)

V: Okay, Bellatrix. What did you get me for my birthday?

B: My toenails in a jar, and my hair in a fluffy sweater.

V: Okayc Bella why would you do that?

B: Love.

V: Sit on the other side of the room.

(Bellatrix sits on the opposite side of the room. She is writing a letter.)

V: All right, now that Potter is dead, I can worry about what I am going to do about this house. We need it remodeled into a thousand bedroom mansion, with eight hundred- Bellatrix what are you doing?

B: Sending you a lettercRead it.

(Voldemort opens letter.)

V: gDear Voldy Pooh, I watched you while you slept, and smelled your robes. You smell like peppermint and pumpkins. Is it your body wash or your natural scent-g Bella! Why were you in my room?

B: c

V: Clearly, we are going to need to set some boundaries. There will be no odd robe sniffing, no weird letters, and no-

(Bellatrix is rubbing Voldemort through his robes. Voldemort is staring at her)

B: ( looks up) Hi. (Continues rubbing)

V: Heycdonft wanna ruin your fun but stop it. I thought I said no touching me.

B: You said I canft sniff your robes, so I can RUB your trousers, shirts, socks, and other materials.

V: All right, no touching anything that is in my possession. Please leave me alone.

B: OhcCan I take one mismatch sock, or tie, or shoec

V: (sighs)_ Accio Sock. Wait, I donft even wear socksc( hands her a dirty napkin)_

B: (Bellatrix rubs napkin on her face) Anything will do. Thanks.

Chapter 2

Sleepover

V: Okay since everyone is here, we can start on the fun. The makeovers or pillow fight first?

F: Pillow fight.

L: Makeovers!

SS: Pillow Fight.

ST: Pillow fight. So I can beat a certain judge to-

(Everyone is staring at him)

ST: I meancmakeoversc whoo?

V: Okay, makeovers! Snape, get the nail polish.

SS: Wouldnft be cool if all of our nails would match?

V: LOL, like totallyc

D: He just said like totallyc

F: orange.

L: purple, like the color of juicy grapes on a succulent vine.

SS: is it truly all that?

LM: The color grape inspires me.

ST: Blood- red. Like blood flowing from Turpin's neck, or a vampire finishing off his victim.

(Everyone is staring at him, frightened this time)

ST: Chartreuse? Like Bella's teeth?

V: Uh-huh.

L: I like sparkly stuff. ( giggles)

V: ( non-existent eye brows raise)

ST: Can we tell some scary stories until the sheriff gets here?

V: Yeahc I guess we can.

Part 2

(Draco, Severus, Fenrir, Lucius, and Voldemort, Sweeney are sitting around a magical fire, telling a story.)

D: And then, the magical cranberry ate the chicken legc the chickenfs family never knew that cranberries had mouths.

L: What was that? A magical cranberryc I told Narcissa one drop on the head was enough for a child to go crazy, but no-shefs a Black!

ST: See, childhood head dropping is dangerous.

SS: says the creepy guy making references to killing judges.

ST: says the creeper judge who is infatuated with a woman ¾ his age.

D: (to the tune of Barbie Girl) Distract, distraction, distract, distraction, distraction, distractionc

V: Sweeneychate from afar?

ST: (sighs)

SS: Once upon a time, a wizard went into Borgin& Burks, and he saw the most horrible thing in his lifec

F: Wizards?

D: Harry Potter?

L: Unfashionable shoes?

ST: Nellie Lovett?

V: Half Bloods?

(Harry pops up out of nowhere) Hypocrite!

V: Shut up you!

(Harry disappears)

SS: Noc Margaret Thatcher.

( everyone shivers)

L: I totally thought you were going to saw shampoo.

SS: Really? I actually wash my hair. This is just a wig. ( takes off wig and revels Sheriff of Nottingham styled hair.)

Everyone: whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

SS: I know lush isn't it.

L: Give me your hair tips oh sexy one.

SS: Hell naw baby , gotta keep dis sweetness to myself

V: Wow and to think we thought you a greasy git.

L: I know life is full of-

SS: Lucy my hair hates you , shut up.

L: Ugh angst attack, ( falls back twitching)

Fenrir:(listening to a muggle MP3) Super, super, Ifm super, super girl

SS: is that Hannah Montana? ( while brushing his luscious hair)

V: I bet it iscCan I listen?

F: Shut up! ( bobbing his head) _when I walk in the room everybody stops, cameras flashing-_

L: I wanna listen.

V: Draco, provide us with some music.

L: Yeah. Make sure itfs Hannah Montana!

ST: Thatfs gay. (Laughing)

SS: You sucked dick for like fifteen years in prison.

ST: ( silent scratches his skunk hair.)

D: Absolutely. _Ifve got my heart set on you and Ifm ready to playc_

All: _the last time I freak out. I just kept looking down I stu-stu-stuttered when you asked me what Ifm thinking bout, felt like I couldnft breath-_

( knocking on door)

D: Who is it?

V: My buddy! The sheriff came to play with us for the day!

SS: Will I like him?

V: Wefll seec I want you two to get more than friendly.

SS: What?

V: Draco!

D: _nobodyfs perfect, you live it you learn itc_

Chapter 3

( the sheriff of Nottingham is one of Voldemortfs friends)

V: Welcome to my bake off. As you see, I am wearing Bellafs blouse and we have a guest. the Metatron couldnft make it.

McNair: Doesnft Bella have gissuesh?

( death eaters open their mouths)

V: No people she doesnft have boob crabs.

( death eaters sigh)

SON: Awwwc.

L: Why are you wearing a purple shirt? Itfs really not your color.

V: Why are you such an idiot? My tone works perfectly well with purple.

L: No it doesnft and you realize all of Bellatrixfs clothing is infested with gonorrhea and all her lacerating cooties?

V: She doesnft- ( touches face, and licks his hand)Ifll be back.

SON: ( to Sweeney) Why did he lick his fingers?

ST: I donft know, but wefll ask him.

SN: NO! Ifm shy and Ifm afraid he wonft give me a cookie!

LM: HE PROMISED YOU A COOKIE!

SN: ( sticks tongue out) and you canft have any.

SS: Cookie sharing is a step closer to lover.

LM: Severus we both know he is my lover!

SS: He was in my room last night.

LM: Doing what?

SS: I donft know( giggling) he has a big-

V: Holy Canoli! All that cream filled goodness got in me trousers

SS: exactly!

V: Pious what did you bring?

ST: ( raising his hand)

V: Yes little school boy.

ST: Whyfd you lick your fingers?

V: Bella has odd habits.

ST: Like?

V: ( whispers something into Sweeneyfs ear. Sweeneyfs face screws up.)

( Sweeney is now fidgeting like a little girl.)

V: Back to you Pious.

P: a pecan log.

ST: Oooc sweet yummy delicious mounds of pecan, and yummy.

SN: I brought my pet chick slave.

SS: thatfs nice. Is she pretty?

SN: Not as pretty as you.

SS: ( giggles)

V: (wrinkles already invisible nose) Ewww. Whatfs in it?

SN: teenage cooties, HIV, the plague, and I pretty sure she has crabs.

P: peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate, and c marshmallows.

V: Why does it smell gross?

SN: She never likes to wash down there. Thatfs just one of the reasons she smells like a pig with a vaginal disease.

P: I burnt it. Sorry, my lord.

V: Pious you realize that you are a talent less slug, and that you didnft add any pecans?

SN: You werenft talking to me?

P: Yes, my lord. I do realize that I am quite stupid.

SN: I wanna show you my pet chick slave.

ST: Yeahcstupid. No, pecans in the pecan log.

SS: Why do pronounce it peck-in?

ST: I donft knowcwhyfd you steal my daughter?

SN: My- You stole his daughter?

SS: Yeah. You have a pet chick slave?

SN: Yesc

SS: Thatfs psychotic!

ST: You stole his daughter.

SS: touché .Carry on with your chick slave collecting.

V :( sighs) You two are going to be such good friendscMaybe even lovers. Fingers crossed yfall. Lucius, what did you bring?

L: My lord, I brought extra deluxe chocolate chip large sized peanut butter and walnut cookies.

V: How many chocolate chips in one cookie?

L: 2,000.

V: Bella, call my dentist. How many cookies?

L: Ohc you wanted to eat them. I just have cardboard cutouts. And the script that comes with it.

V: ( his mouth is wide open) ohcmycevilness.

L: Snake face!

W: My lord, you are allergic to peanut butter.

V: ( huffs) Well, did everyone need to know that? Well you make out with your pillow.

W: Ohc You actually read my diary?

V: Thatfs right you silly little rat. Scurry along, and donft touch my cheese.

SS: What a minute. Why do I smell burning apples?

(Everyone sniffs)

V: Ohc mycbadness! Wormtail my apples crumble is burning in that muggle oven you bought me for my birthday. Fix it, or Ifll Crucio so badly, you speak Swahili. Whatever that is.

SN: I pretty sure itfs a pastry.

SS: Ooo. Like Canoli?

SN: Yeah, it has some kind of cream sauce and is nice and thick.

(AN: if you did not see an Italian Canoli on your mind, shame on you! Minds in the gutter)

V: Really! Nicec next time I visit Swahiliglend Ifll ask for Swahili.

SS: Ifm allergic to apple.

V: OhcSeverus, we were going to have a pie contest. Too bad, we can have acid pops.

Everyone: Oooc Acid pops.

Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO EAT ACID POPS.

(Everyone looks at Draco, Fenrir starts poking the pecan log.)

F: I think itfs alive.

V: Pious, did you charm your non-pecan pecan log to move?

Draco: I WILL NOT PUT ONE ACID POP INTO MY MOUTH.

Pious: Wellc

V: !

SN: .

V:. Ha.

SN: I really didnft wanna do this to you , but- ! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, and wait for it

( death eaters waiting for it)

SN: HA!

V: impressive. Now, Draco, why do you hate acid pops?

D: I donft like acid. It stings.

V: Draco, usually acid burnsc Thatfs just chemistry.

SS: Chemistry? I love chemistry. And Ifm not talking but emotion.

SN: You have no emotion.

SS: I do, but you know only for you.

SN: Ohhhh. ( smooches Snape)

Death Eaters: Awwwww...

B: I like chemistry. I mean what better chemistry is there than the chemistry of the heart? (Winks and blows a kiss at Voldemort, then at Sweeney whofs making a cross with his fingers)

V: (shakes head, and continues on the restraint order)c And to stay four feet away from mec at all cost.

ST: And away from mec

V: Sure. And away from Sweeney.

SN: She can get close to mec I like a kinky girl.

SS: You mean like a three way?

SN: Absolutely.

SS: ( laughs evilly)

Wormtail: We have a late guest, Rodopholous Lestrange.

V: I thought you were fixing my apple crumblec why were you at the front door?

W: cheese?

V: Wormtailc (Sighs, and begins to fill out for a new mouse trap)

(Sweeney begins to take out his razor)

V: From afar.

Part 3

RL: My wife is here?

V: Sadly, yes. You know there are leash laws.

SN: Where I rule there was always a leash law.

SS: Thatfs because there were always chicks like Bella.

RL: OhcThatfs why I was here. To give her the leash.

L: Isnft that kinda kinky? Like bondage.

V: How would you know?

SN: You donft seem the naughty type.

L: Cissa, and I have a little fun every now and then.

V: I thought I was a super freak because I tie girls up.

L: Oh you are.

RL: ( ties Bellatrix to a chair.) Be good.

B: ( barks)

V: _Accio _Law bookc g _All feral dogs must be on a sixteen inch leash.h _Itfs not kinky itfs a law.

RL: Absolutely.

L: Damn it.

Chapter 5, part 1

(Voldemort is examining his toenails when a door pops up in front of him. It squeaks open)

V: Le gasp. Nottingham street.

Random evil looking Muppets: Gloomy days, chasing the sun away, Muggles in bondage and revenge is sweet, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street.

V: Eureka, I hit the mother load.

( the death eaters follow Voldy slowly into the world)

V: One small step for evil, a giant step for evilkind.

Part 2

Snape: What is that mysterious ticking noise?  
Snape (mumbling): Not over here, not over therec  
(Stops and looks to his left and right)  
Snape: Kindaccatchy.  
(Continues bobbing, and now starts talking to a beat)  
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.  
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!  
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.  
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!  
(Loop continues again, and then Ron pops up)  
Ron: (as Snape is talking) Ron, Ron, Ron WEASLEY!  
(His loop continues as such, and after another, Hermione pops up)  
Hermione: Hermione, Hermione!  
(Others loop)  
Hermione: Hermione! Hermione, Hermione.  
(Harry pops up while Hermione joins the loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!  
(Others loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, that's me!  
(Looping stops)  
(Back and forth, progressively faster)  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Dumbledore: DUMBLEDORE!  
Hermione: Hercmione!  
(Looping begins again)  
Harry: Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter.  
(Others loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Potter.  
(Looping stops)  
All: Singing' our song, all day long at HOOOOGcWAAARTS!  
Ron: I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!  
Harry and Hermione: Yayyyy!  
(Dumbledore and Snape look at each other)  
(Ticking stops, a huge, fake looking explosion happens.  
(Voldemort pops up)  
Voldemort: Muhuhuhahahaha!  
(Voldemort starts tapping his wand on the stage)  
Voldemort: (To the tune of The Chordettes' song Lollipop) Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldemort!

Part 3

B: Hey Voldemort. I like your hair. Itfs soft and cute, and there on your head. Oh and you too Sweeney I especially love your hair. And you my sheriff-

SN: ( shivering) crabs so many crabs and bacteria.

V: Ifm bald. I have like no hair at all.

B: Not even on your-

V: No!

B: I dig your baldness.

SN: Ewwc she stank so bad. Ewwc and she wanted me to eat it.

ST: Go away.

V: Are you still taking your meds?

B: You mean the medication I threw in the great lake?

V: You threw your meds in the great lake?

ST: (to the tune of Amazing Grace) brooding, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-

B: Duh. They said side effects are floating.

V: I worry about you.

ST: brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-

B: He worries about me! Ifm so putting this in my diary.

V: Bella, letfs get something straight. I donft love you, will never love you, and prefer if you stay 100 yards away from me.

ST: I agree!

B: I still have that sock you gave me.

V: Bella, I told you I donft wear socks. I gave you a dirty napkin.

ST: She means from me, and I want my sock back.

B: But I still have that tissue I stolec from Voldemort I mean.

V: You stole a tissuec from my waste basket?

B: yep. It makes a lovely tampon.

V: You put my cin yourcPlease return my snot.

B: You sneezed into it? Voldemortfs germs and lubrication? Bonus!

ST: Donft mind me, but Ifm going to brood to a new tune.

V: I feel so dirty.

ST: (beat it tune) brooding, brooding, everyone loves my brooding, thatfs what makes me a memorable person, because I like brooding, brooding, brooding, brooding

V: Whatfs next Bella? Youfre going to collect anything that comes from me? (Looks warily at Bella) Forget I said that.

B: Said what?

(Sweeney looks at the ceiling)

B: What are you looking at?

ST: Gumc on your ceiling. That had better not be my gum.

B: It is though.

V: How did you work that out?

B: Well, first I stole some chewed on gum from Dracofs room, and swapped it with yours. I only chewed on it from a half an hour. Just to know what kind of gum you liked.

V: And you couldnft have asked him?

B: What fun is that?

V: Bella, letfs review what we learned today. One, we donft and will never love you. Two, youfre a nut job. In addition, three youfre quite obsessive.

B: He said I was obsessive with love.

V: Bellac

B: He said my name with love.

V: I donft love you.

B: He said he doesnft love mec with love.

V :( Crucioes Bellatrix)

ST: why didnft I think of that?

B: (while screaming) Hefs Crucio-ing mec (Voldemort and Bella pause) with love.

V: 0-o

B: why are you so quiet poochie-face? Ifm talking to Sweeney.

ST: Ifm not your Poochie Face, Mr. Todd, or Pumpkin

B: Do you prefer to be called my sweet tart?

V: (Grabs Sweeney runs far as possibly away from Bellatrix, starts on a new restraint order)

B: Waitc (Runs after them) You're my honeybunch, sugarplum  
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie  
SN: what about me? Save me!

Part 4

Hermione: Where can Harry be? HmmcHow do you see the clubhouse! I have an idea!

(Takes out her wand)

H: Miska Mooska Mickey Mouse

( Mickey Mouse clubhouse music)

Her: D-e-a-t-h-h E-a-t-e-r, 2xs. Itfs the Death Eaters Clubhouse, come inside, its fun in side; itfs the Death Eaterfs clubhouse come inside its fun inside, roll call, Voldy

V: Here!

Her: Sweeney!

ST: Here!

Hermione: Snape!

SS: Present!

Her: And Draco!

D: Here!

(Clubhouse appears)

(Sweeney steps outside to see Hermione)

Her: OhcThat was odd. I could of tried saying gopen says meh but okay.

ST: Hey, Bushy.

Her: Really?

ST: K-yep.

Her: k-yep?

ST: Yeah, I mean who else does that? Its gonna be my thangc

Her: Do you know where Harry is? Ifve been sitting out here waiting for Harry to come out.

ST: Harry is giving a chimpanzee a blowjob.

Her: Why is he doing that?

ST: The Dark Lord told him to. Itfll only be a few minutes now. When I saw him he deep-throating.

Her: Huh. Ifll come back later.

ST: Harryfs honestly sucking off a chimpanzee in the basement. He really seemed to like it.

Hermione: really?

ST: yeah. Harryfs one freaky guy.

Her: Okay then. Should I come around tea time?

ST: Thatfll be lovely.

Part 5

(Bellatrix is drawing a heart with Sweeneyfs name in glitter)

B: To my first pookie bear I love you with sparkles AND glitter.

V: Hey Bella. Drawing a little picture. A little picture for Mr. Todd. Picture with two people.

B: yeah. He said hefd make a deal with me. I feel so enthusiastic about this. You know sure. I00%. Absolute? Positive

V: Bella I get it. Whatfs this deal hefs asked you about

B: none of your earwax. But you donft have earwax because you donft have ears.

V: Yes I do. I just donft have a nose.

B: Alrighty nosey-boy.

V: Donft call me that, and are you rubbing his jacket against your unspeakable.

B: Yes.

V: Bella, why are you doing that?

B: Love and pleasure.

V: At least itfs not my- ( notices white gunk on his robes) I feel so dirtycagain.

B: I did too when I did it yesterday.

(After lunch)

ST: Ifll marry you.

B/ ML: Really? ( dancing insanely) Ifm gonna have his babies, Ifm going to have his babies, babies, babies

ST: on one condition.

B: Ifm gonna,-( stops dancing)

ST: Kill Snape -as you call him.

B: You know that Snape is also the Sheriff.

ST: Awww. I like him, hefsc. fun. So kill Snape , and make sure the sheriff is happy.

B: Alright. ( back to dancing) Ifm gonna have his babies.

(In Snapefs room)

S: Hey, Bella. Wanna biscuit?

B: Yes-no- I mean yes, but no-I have to kill you.

SS: Why? You know at the end-

SN: ( makes obnoxious noises) Ifm a fan. I havenft seen or read it. Donft ruin it for me!

SS: Fine, fine. Why do you have to kill me?

B: I wanna marry Mr. Todd. I had a whole song in the movie about me wanting to marry him.

SS: Can I pretend to be dead?

B: Hide in my closet, and hiss whenever you smell his sad, gloominess.

SS: Okay.

B: Right now I need you to gurgle and scream like you did in the movie because I mean he has to conviced.

SS What about blood?

B: Ifll say I cleaned it. Scourgify.

SS: But-

B: trust me big nosed guy.

SS: (touches his nose) sure.

(Back to Mr. Toddfs room)

B: Marry me now?( like an excited puppy)

ST: Yep.

B: Umccan we be a bit more formal about this?

ST: Nope.

B: I really wanna-

ST: I SAID NOPE! WITH A CAPITAL NOPE.

B: 0-o

ST: Go be a fiancé somewhere.

B: Boo-yah! Mission: Fiancé- ing.

Part 6

B: Hey Voldy.

V: Bella, arenft you married already?

B: Yeah. But I still will always love you. Although you always were into me.

V: Bella I was talking about Rodopholous.

B: Let me sing a little song for you.

(Lights dim dramatically)

B: If I were to stay, I would only be in your way-

V: Bella, Ifm not affected but I think-

B:_ so Ifll go, but I know Ifll think of you every step of the way-_

V: The music just changed

B:_ And I- will always, love you-, will always love you._

V: Thatfs weird and this isnft a musical.

B: It can be.

V: Draco cue the dramatic lights and new title sequence.

Part 1

D: I have seen the world – well most of it-beheld its wonders from the Dardanelles- whatever they are- to the mountains of Peru, but therefs nose like Voldyfs.

ST: No therefs nose like Voldyfs.

D: Are you trying cramp my happy space?

ST: Kinda. You have no wrinkles, the world has been kind to you

D: actually I fell off my broom-

ST: shut up, and stick to the script. You will learn.

D: No! Why else do you think I dropped out of Hogwarts! To get away from learning!

ST: Therefs a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the boogers of the world inhabit it, and its mauls-

D: Ooo. Shopping!

ST: c arenft worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of Voldy.

D: I thought London was a place of lemon drops and candy filling. And hot Victoria Secret models.

ST: you thought wrong. But I did see a few chicks with some big-

D: ( Sees a building covered in snow) is that London?

ST: No, Can I finish my song?

D: Yeah.

ST: At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo, turning beauty into greed , I too have sailed the world seen itfs wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous a Peru, but therefs no nose like Voldy

D: London seems less happy now. ( Sees Island were they look as if they had a war, but are smiling and passing out candy.) That almost fits your emo metaphor. Is that London?

ST: No.

D: Alright continue.

ST: There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful.

D: does this have anything to do with you?

ST: A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful.

D: She must be extra hot.

ST: Stop drooling! And she was virtuous and he was naïve. There was another man that saw that she was beautiful, a pious

D: Like the Death Eater.

ST: Draco, Ifm talking about a holy guy of the law. And with a gesture from his claw, removed the barber from his plate, then there was nothing but to wait, and she would fall so soft,

D: like cotton candy

ST: so young,

D: like me

ST: so lost,

D: like a puppy

ST: and oh so beautiful.

D: Hmmc Victoria Secret beautiful.

ST: Yeah.

D: Anything else?

ST: Oh thatfs London. ( Points at a island with dim lights, and gloomy gothic buildings)

D: Oh. Thatfs-

ST: depressing.

D: Wow. Heyc I lived in London for all my life.

ST: We just did the opening to Sweeney Todd for no reason.

D: I know. Back to Harry Potter references.

Part 2- The Wedding

SN: Before I start are there any objections?

( Sweeney raises his hand)

SN: ignoring Mr. Barker.

ST: Who told you my name?

SN: People. Look I donft have thirty minutes to wastec I happen to have a wench waiting, so Ifll be reading quick nuptials.

ST: Alright.

SN: Do you Nellie Lovett take – BENJAMIN BARKER!- to be your lawfully wedded husband?

NL: Wellc I had my own vows writtenc

SN: Bellac five minutes.

NL: Benny, I knew you for all the time that screwball wife of yours was married to you. I absolutely loved you then and absolutely hate your wife. Shefs dumber than twin rocks, and is uglier than a baboonfs behind. Look at me , I mean my boobies shame hers. And look at this ass. Grade A honey, grade A.

SN: She does have a nice ass- a Beyoncef ass. BENJAMIN BARKER!- do you take Nellie Lovett to be your lawfully wedded wife?

ST: ( nods)

SN: alright, by the power invested in state farm and safe Autoc And that guy from glee , and Morgan Freeman, and Captain jack sparrow-

ST: finish it up!

SN: Oh, and that dude from CSI Miami, the one with the shitty jokes, I pronounce you witch and weird guy. You can now kiss the bride.

ST: What about God?

SN: oh , and Him too. Kiss your bride go ahead.

ST: (shivers)

NL: come here( grabs him and kisses him)

ST: Okay, I feel so violated.

SN: So cute.

NL: song?

V: um yeah.

Part 3

NL:. Mr. Todd Ifm so happy, I can eat you up I really could, do you know what Ifd like to do Mr. Todd after the reception. Where Ifd really like to go. In an hour or so. Donft you wanna know?

BB: Actually no.

NL: Do you really wanna know?

BB: Ummcno.

NL: By the sea, , thatfs the sex I covet, by the sea Mr. Todd, oh, I know youfll love it, you and me, Mr. T-

BB: Mr. T?

NL: We can fuck alone in a house that we totally own, by the sea, with our bodies smashing.

BB: I know what would be smashing , Mrs. Lovett, if someone smashed your head in a door.

NL: BabycWefre married call me Nellie.

BB: Nellie, how come you are singing this song again?

NL: Just because (singing) I Love you, yes I love you.

BB:

NL: Think how nice it will be underneath our flannel, when itfs just you and me and the erotic channels, in our cozy retreat, it wonft be tidy, a few chums join us every Friday.

BB: Every Friday.

NL: Ifm a kinky girl. By the sea, do you like me in leather.

ST: You? In Latex. Oh, hell naw.

NL: by the sea; wefll have fun together, by the seaside, Ooo, by the beautiful sea.

BB: Do we have to finish the song?

NL: Yes. Itfll wonft be so quiet that all come by it except a seagull, Ooo ,Ooo, we shouldnft try it until itfs legal for two, OUR rumpled bedding legitimized, me eyes lids a flutter the moment I mutter I do.

( music)

BB: wherefs that coming from?

NL: By the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea we can use your chopper, to the seaside, Ooo by the beautiful sea.

BB: By the way I hate the sea.

Part 4

V: I heard you and Bella just consummated in your marriage?

ST: .

V: Poor baby. Wefll this is all we can do for this installment of SPDWONS. So next timec wefll figure out whatfs up with you.

ST: Donft wanna!


End file.
